His name is still Otto, right? Yeah, why? I named my Madden QB Otto after him and don't want to change it. Oh.
Ewww, why is there a booger on my boob? Nursing is a dirty job.
I'm torturing our child clipping his nails while he's fisting them. Umm, what?
When he came out what were your first thoughts? He looks like Violet from 'Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' after she started swelling like a blueberry, so not a good impression initially.
I didn't want to say anything, but we've been talking and your kid kind of looks Asian. He has jaundice. Ohhh.
Why is he screaming? It looks like he's pulling his own hair. I hope this is accidental and not a preview of things to come.
You better keep an eye on him. That kid looks big enough to walk outside and hail a cab.
Hey, I'm not totally versed on baby genes, but are babies like kittens? Will his eyes remain blue or are they going to turn dark brown?
No fair. He has more hair than me.
Please note, this is the only time in his life when he can have a double chin and it is "cute".
You better get that kid a cheeseburger on the way home-- that is seriously the biggest newborn I've ever seen!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Childbirth - pluses and minuses...
They say childbirth is not for the queasy. I agree. There's a lot of liquid. There was a plentiful supply of hlorking. Thank goodness for chairs and OJ. Here's a few more things from the birth/hospital stay for which I'm thankful:
Orange Italian Ice
A plentiful supply of towels
A small, purple rattling hippo (who switched from demonic to angelic depending on the mood)
Caffeine
5AM traffic (or, more importantly, the lack thereof)
Regular butt pressure
Cloud Cult (A band. A damned good band. 6-7 hours and they did not grow tiresome.)
Heated blankets/pads
Attentive and caring nurses (Sara G. you are DEFINITELY a rock star and Otto would not be where he is without you. Thank you!)
Ipods and mini speakers (thank you Mr. E, you were a lifesaver with that Xmas gift)
Centimeters
Packing beforehand
Epidurals
Fantastically skilled and amazingly calm and collected doctors (I don't know where my family would be without you Dr. Cobbs or Dr. Kumar and for that I am eternally grateful)
Comfortable, heavy chairs
$8 guest trays
Late night cafeterias and non-smelly turkey sandwiches
The kindness of others
The support and love of close friends and family
Fans
Things which I am not thankful (and would rather not endure again):
Helplessness and powerlessness as either blood pressure/heart rates drop or your child is rushed to the NICU with a 'respiratory concern'
"Natural endorphins" and post-surgery shaking
Nurses who feel like they know better
The term 'get some rest' at 4AM when they plan on coming in every two hours for the next 10 hours.
The 'worst case scenario' speech
People without an inside voice at 7:30AM after a blissful 3 hours sleep post-20+ stressful, labor-filled hours
Smelly celebration meals (more on this to come)
The fear and sadness that comes with not knowing whether I was about to lose two of the most important people in your life
The shattering of the illusion of being 'ok' when attempting to answer a simple 'how are you'
Heat instead of AC
Orange Italian Ice
A plentiful supply of towels
A small, purple rattling hippo (who switched from demonic to angelic depending on the mood)
Caffeine
5AM traffic (or, more importantly, the lack thereof)
Regular butt pressure
Cloud Cult (A band. A damned good band. 6-7 hours and they did not grow tiresome.)
Heated blankets/pads
Attentive and caring nurses (Sara G. you are DEFINITELY a rock star and Otto would not be where he is without you. Thank you!)
Ipods and mini speakers (thank you Mr. E, you were a lifesaver with that Xmas gift)
Centimeters
Packing beforehand
Epidurals
Fantastically skilled and amazingly calm and collected doctors (I don't know where my family would be without you Dr. Cobbs or Dr. Kumar and for that I am eternally grateful)
Comfortable, heavy chairs
$8 guest trays
Late night cafeterias and non-smelly turkey sandwiches
The kindness of others
The support and love of close friends and family
Fans
Things which I am not thankful (and would rather not endure again):
Helplessness and powerlessness as either blood pressure/heart rates drop or your child is rushed to the NICU with a 'respiratory concern'
"Natural endorphins" and post-surgery shaking
Nurses who feel like they know better
The term 'get some rest' at 4AM when they plan on coming in every two hours for the next 10 hours.
The 'worst case scenario' speech
People without an inside voice at 7:30AM after a blissful 3 hours sleep post-20+ stressful, labor-filled hours
Smelly celebration meals (more on this to come)
The fear and sadness that comes with not knowing whether I was about to lose two of the most important people in your life
The shattering of the illusion of being 'ok' when attempting to answer a simple 'how are you'
Heat instead of AC
Monday, April 19, 2010
And it begins...
4:30 AM. Saturday morning.
Hey, what's going on?
I think my water just broke.
Oh, should we call the hospital?
No, I don't think so.
Alright. [Lie back down. A minute passes.] Why don't I just check? According to this we should call the doctor.
Ok, can you do it? At first I thought I wet the bed, but I'd just gone to the bathroom.
Yum. Yes, I'm calling because my girlfriend's water just broke. Yes. It's Wednesday, so Dr. C should be on call. Ok. She'll call us back. Great. We're headed to the hospital now.
You know it's Friday, actually Saturday...right?
Oh, really? No. Wait. Huh. [Long pause] Are we packed?
Yeah, I am and Otto is, but I didn't know what to pack for you.
Oh yeah, I forgot. Ok, here's all I'll need - one change of clothes. Let's go.
Bring a towel.
Thus begins our 5 day hospital journey...
Hey, what's going on?
I think my water just broke.
Oh, should we call the hospital?
No, I don't think so.
Alright. [Lie back down. A minute passes.] Why don't I just check? According to this we should call the doctor.
Ok, can you do it? At first I thought I wet the bed, but I'd just gone to the bathroom.
Yum. Yes, I'm calling because my girlfriend's water just broke. Yes. It's Wednesday, so Dr. C should be on call. Ok. She'll call us back. Great. We're headed to the hospital now.
You know it's Friday, actually Saturday...right?
Oh, really? No. Wait. Huh. [Long pause] Are we packed?
Yeah, I am and Otto is, but I didn't know what to pack for you.
Oh yeah, I forgot. Ok, here's all I'll need - one change of clothes. Let's go.
Bring a towel.
Thus begins our 5 day hospital journey...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Expressions...
Are you getting married?
Whatever you do don't get married?
Seriously, when are you getting married?
Wow, you have dropped? I saw your belly before I saw you.
Me too!! What? I'm pregnant too! Seriously...
When are you getting married?
Is it possible to talk him out while I'm on vacation?
Wow. Cool.
I'm so happy for you. You'll make great parents/a great dad/a great mom!
What's the name?
What are you naming him?
Any names?
I think you should name him...
That?! Seriously?! You're going with that? You can't be serious.
You have a girlfriend? I think you're missing the point...
Call me 20 minutes beforehand.
Is there a new addition? No. Ok, bye.
One is cool. Two and I don't know you. Seriously. Just kidding.
Why didn't you tell me?
Shutup!
Any news from the 'down there' front?!
Do you need anything?
Can we get you anything?
Here, we got this for you. What do you think? Nice, huh? Well...
Where are you giving birth? Oh...
What hospital will you be at? I like that one!
Virginia, ugh! Oh, you live there...
I know people there so we got a private room. Aren't they all private?
Are you married yet? Why not?
Who's [Mom's name]?
Better get in shape.
That kid's going to be hysterical/lucky/loved/a mess.
Your kid needs married parents. Seriously.
So any openings? Get it? Yeah...
Wow, you're so big!
Oh my gosh, you're huge!
Wow, can you get much bigger?!
You're the first person to be proud of what they weigh, most people cry.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Boy or girl?
Innie or Outtie?
You gonna circumcise him? Why/why not?
Vaginal or C-section? Is that too personal? Just wondering...
Oh my gosh, I heard about this one woman who...
You're life is ruined.
It's the greatest ride of your life. You'll love it.
Awesome.
Whatever you do don't get married?
Seriously, when are you getting married?
Wow, you have dropped? I saw your belly before I saw you.
Me too!! What? I'm pregnant too! Seriously...
When are you getting married?
Is it possible to talk him out while I'm on vacation?
Wow. Cool.
I'm so happy for you. You'll make great parents/a great dad/a great mom!
What's the name?
What are you naming him?
Any names?
I think you should name him...
That?! Seriously?! You're going with that? You can't be serious.
You have a girlfriend? I think you're missing the point...
Call me 20 minutes beforehand.
Is there a new addition? No. Ok, bye.
One is cool. Two and I don't know you. Seriously. Just kidding.
Why didn't you tell me?
Shutup!
Any news from the 'down there' front?!
Do you need anything?
Can we get you anything?
Here, we got this for you. What do you think? Nice, huh? Well...
Where are you giving birth? Oh...
What hospital will you be at? I like that one!
Virginia, ugh! Oh, you live there...
I know people there so we got a private room. Aren't they all private?
Are you married yet? Why not?
Who's [Mom's name]?
Better get in shape.
That kid's going to be hysterical/lucky/loved/a mess.
Your kid needs married parents. Seriously.
So any openings? Get it? Yeah...
Wow, you're so big!
Oh my gosh, you're huge!
Wow, can you get much bigger?!
You're the first person to be proud of what they weigh, most people cry.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Boy or girl?
Innie or Outtie?
You gonna circumcise him? Why/why not?
Vaginal or C-section? Is that too personal? Just wondering...
Oh my gosh, I heard about this one woman who...
You're life is ruined.
It's the greatest ride of your life. You'll love it.
Awesome.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Pregnancy Ball
Hi welcome to (sporting good store)! Anything I can help you with?
We're looking for an exercise ball.
Oh great, they're over here.
What will you be using this for?
To try to have a baby.
Uhhhh, hmmm. I'm not really trained to help with that...
We're looking for an exercise ball.
Oh great, they're over here.
What will you be using this for?
To try to have a baby.
Uhhhh, hmmm. I'm not really trained to help with that...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Poop Happens
Hlork! Sound it out. I know it's not a word, but it's the sound I make and the sound I think of constantly. My face is in a contant state of 'Wow, that's just...oh...I might be...hlork!' Childbirth is not for the squeamish, or so I've heard. Now I can confirm. It's not. At all. I am the squeamish. Hear me hlork.
Birthing class teaches us all we need to know and then some. There are words and phrases I do not ever want to know, but, now, can never forget. Infarction. Umbilical stump. Poop happens - we'll clean it up in no time because neither you or we want your baby sliding through that on the way out. Where's that sign? Ugh.
I am caught in week 5, when I cause a sudden case of the giggles in the middle of a rather serious, yet disgusting topic. How long have you made that face? Uhh, what week is it? 5? Ah, well then, for five weeks I've made this face. Among others.
We learn to breathe. The deep breaths are fine. The medium breaths are good. Both are relaxing. The short breaths are...do you see stars? Why is the room spinning?
Bathing day is a little boring (different, more boring, instructor), but I liven it up by perfecting a series of moves on my stand-in child. Luckily we were using dolls. Anatomically correct dolls. With umbilical stumps. Hlork. The 'flapjack flip' is a favorite. Hand under one side, pull up quickly and if you're lucky the stand-in will land on its other side. If not, the class will turn as your 'child' skitters off the wall and across the floor. Perfection takes practice. Was that mark their before?
The tour is wonderful. I inform the class that I will be in the next room over when the 'big event' happens. We see babies. They wheel them over so we can get a better look. Awwww. We see bad driving nurses bang bassinets off every cart/surface/wall/door on their way to the room. 'Look who's awake!' she says. I am warned against the 'flapjack flip' on other people's kids. Shucks.
We see our rooms. Private, yay! Oh, the baby could breathe in what. You'll do...can I sit down? Take everything not strapped down. Uh, ok. After the bill, I'm probably going to wish we'd taken a few strapped down items as well.
In the end, was it worth it? Yes. We learned alot. More than our books ever taught us and our instructor was fantastic. I feel marginally more prepared and my hlorking is better than ever.
Birthing class teaches us all we need to know and then some. There are words and phrases I do not ever want to know, but, now, can never forget. Infarction. Umbilical stump. Poop happens - we'll clean it up in no time because neither you or we want your baby sliding through that on the way out. Where's that sign? Ugh.
I am caught in week 5, when I cause a sudden case of the giggles in the middle of a rather serious, yet disgusting topic. How long have you made that face? Uhh, what week is it? 5? Ah, well then, for five weeks I've made this face. Among others.
We learn to breathe. The deep breaths are fine. The medium breaths are good. Both are relaxing. The short breaths are...do you see stars? Why is the room spinning?
Bathing day is a little boring (different, more boring, instructor), but I liven it up by perfecting a series of moves on my stand-in child. Luckily we were using dolls. Anatomically correct dolls. With umbilical stumps. Hlork. The 'flapjack flip' is a favorite. Hand under one side, pull up quickly and if you're lucky the stand-in will land on its other side. If not, the class will turn as your 'child' skitters off the wall and across the floor. Perfection takes practice. Was that mark their before?
The tour is wonderful. I inform the class that I will be in the next room over when the 'big event' happens. We see babies. They wheel them over so we can get a better look. Awwww. We see bad driving nurses bang bassinets off every cart/surface/wall/door on their way to the room. 'Look who's awake!' she says. I am warned against the 'flapjack flip' on other people's kids. Shucks.
We see our rooms. Private, yay! Oh, the baby could breathe in what. You'll do...can I sit down? Take everything not strapped down. Uh, ok. After the bill, I'm probably going to wish we'd taken a few strapped down items as well.
In the end, was it worth it? Yes. We learned alot. More than our books ever taught us and our instructor was fantastic. I feel marginally more prepared and my hlorking is better than ever.
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