Poop Happens

Hlork! Sound it out. I know it's not a word, but it's the sound I make and the sound I think of constantly. My face is in a contant state of 'Wow, that's just...oh...I might be...hlork!' Childbirth is not for the squeamish, or so I've heard. Now I can confirm. It's not. At all. I am the squeamish. Hear me hlork.

Birthing class teaches us all we need to know and then some. There are words and phrases I do not ever want to know, but, now, can never forget. Infarction. Umbilical stump. Poop happens - we'll clean it up in no time because neither you or we want your baby sliding through that on the way out. Where's that sign? Ugh.

I am caught in week 5, when I cause a sudden case of the giggles in the middle of a rather serious, yet disgusting topic. How long have you made that face? Uhh, what week is it? 5? Ah, well then, for five weeks I've made this face. Among others.

We learn to breathe. The deep breaths are fine. The medium breaths are good. Both are relaxing. The short breaths are...do you see stars? Why is the room spinning?

Bathing day is a little boring (different, more boring, instructor), but I liven it up by perfecting a series of moves on my stand-in child. Luckily we were using dolls. Anatomically correct dolls. With umbilical stumps. Hlork. The 'flapjack flip' is a favorite. Hand under one side, pull up quickly and if you're lucky the stand-in will land on its other side. If not, the class will turn as your 'child' skitters off the wall and across the floor. Perfection takes practice. Was that mark their before?

The tour is wonderful. I inform the class that I will be in the next room over when the 'big event' happens. We see babies. They wheel them over so we can get a better look. Awwww. We see bad driving nurses bang bassinets off every cart/surface/wall/door on their way to the room. 'Look who's awake!' she says. I am warned against the 'flapjack flip' on other people's kids. Shucks.

We see our rooms. Private, yay! Oh, the baby could breathe in what. You'll do...can I sit down? Take everything not strapped down. Uh, ok. After the bill, I'm probably going to wish we'd taken a few strapped down items as well.

In the end, was it worth it? Yes. We learned alot. More than our books ever taught us and our instructor was fantastic. I feel marginally more prepared and my hlorking is better than ever.